Building a Growth Mindset: What to Say When Your Child is Frustrated

Often, a child’s meltdown isn’t because a task is too difficult—it’s because reality didn’t meet their expectations. According to researchers at the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, learning to manage these moments of frustration is a critical part of developing executive function and resilience.

Maybe the blocks tumbled just as they reached the top. Maybe a puzzle piece is missing, or their shoes simply feel "wrong." In our adult eyes, these are minor inconveniences. But in a child’s small world, that moment feels like a final ending.

            Growth mindset isn't about avoiding failure. It’s about learning that when things go wrong, the story doesn't have to stop.
        

Our instinct is often to say, "It's okay," or "Don't worry, let's start over." While well-intentioned, these phrases can act like a "skip button," pulling the child away from the problem before they’ve had a chance to process it. As pioneered by Dr. Carol Dweck, the key is to shift the focus from the outcome to the process of learning.

1. Just Observe: Acknowledge the Moment

Instead of rushing to fix the situation, simply state what happened. This validates their experience without judgment.

Try saying: "Oh, it tumbled down." or "It didn't go the way you planned."

2. Isolate the Difficulty

Help them see that the problem is a specific obstacle, not a personal failure. This keeps the frustration manageable and supports frustration tolerance.

Try saying: "That part is a bit tricky, isn't it?"

3. Hold Space for the Frustration

Normalize the feeling of being upset. When feelings are validated, children find the emotional energy to try again.

Try saying: "It’s really frustrating when it doesn't work. I’d feel that way too."

4. Offer a Choice (Return Autonomy)

Instead of taking over, give the power back to them. Choices help move them from a reactive state to a proactive one.

Try saying: "Would you like to take a break for a minute, or try a different way right now?"

5. Focus on the Pivot

Praise the strategy, not just the effort. This teaches them that progress comes from adjusting their approach.

Try saying: "I noticed how you moved that piece to the side to see it better. That was a great adjustment."

The Heart of the Matter

The goal isn't to raise a child who never fails. It’s to raise a child who knows that a mistake is just another place to begin. This is the essence of a growth mindset, built one small moment at a time.