The Art of Validation:
It Doesn’t Mean You Agree
There was a time when I thought validation meant saying yes.
Yes to the big feelings.
Yes to the loud reactions.
Yes to the behaviors that made me deeply uncomfortable.
And honestly? It exhausted me.
Somewhere along the way, “validate your child” got translated into:
“Let everything slide so they feel understood.”
That’s not validation. That’s fear — dressed up as gentleness.
The Sentence Everyone Misunderstands
You’ve likely heard the therapist-approved line:
“You need to validate your child’s feelings.”
What often gets left out is the second half of that truth:
Validation does not mean agreement.
Understanding a feeling is not the same as approving a behavior. Empathy does not cancel out boundaries. In fact, toddlers desperately need both to feel safe.
The "Adult Test"
Imagine you’re frustrated at work. You slam your laptop shut and vent:
“I hate this project. I want to throw this computer out the window!”
Now, imagine two different responses:
- Validation: “I hear you. You’re completely overwhelmed right now.”
- Chaos: “I totally agree. Go ahead—smash it.”
We instinctively know the difference with adults, yet we forget it with our children. One offers a safety net; the other offers permission to spiral.
What Validation Actually Sounds Like
Validation is naming the feeling without surrendering your role as the "Captain of the Ship." It sounds like:
- “You’re really angry. I won’t let you hit.”
- “You wanted more screen time. It’s hard to stop.”
- “You’re disappointed that we have to leave. That makes sense.”
Notice the pattern? No lectures. No fixing. No pretending the limit doesn't exist. Just calm, sturdy leadership.
Why This Matters (The Brain Science)
Toddlers don’t have “emotional brakes” yet. Their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for impulse control—is still under construction. Research from the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child highlights that this developmental stage requires external support to navigate big emotions.
Organizations like ZERO TO THREE remind us that self-regulation is a skill children borrow from us before they can build it themselves.
- When we skip validation and jump to control, they learn: “My feelings are dangerous or wrong.”
- When we validate without boundaries, they learn: “My feelings run the house.”
Boundaries say: I’ve got you.”
The Shift
Once I stopped arguing with my child’s emotions, something shifted. He calmed faster. He trusted me more. And the limits? They actually stuck.
Because when a child feels understood, they no longer have to fight to be heard.